Today has been okay for the most part. It hasn’t been a great day but at least I’m upright and breathing. I can’t really pinpoint what is exactly wrong today. I just feel out of sorts and alone. This is probably because I spend most of my day in a dark room with no real physical contact with anyone throughout the day. Even when the adult kids are home, they tend to stay away from me which is such a warm and fuzzy feeling (we’ll end the sarcasm there).
A few times today I felt the need to get out of dark cave I stay in most of the time and try to do something around the house that needed to be done; such as some laundry and cleaning up the kitchen. The kitchen has been out of control from a while now and it felt good to get everything out of the sink and either put away or in the dishwasher. I really have a problem with disorganization but at the same time, lately my moods have been so off that I just haven’t felt like doing anything. So I find I have to force myself to do things and act like an adult but lately it really has become more and more difficult.
I feel like I spend most of my time living in the past. I recently joined a Generation X facebook group and seeing all the posts that bring back memories. I listen to music from my younger years and binge watch what is now considered classic TV shows. The problem is that this also makes me re-think my life and see all of the mistakes I have made in my life which just makes me feel even worse.
This afternoon has just become so hard as my thoughts are really turning negative and I just cannot figure out how to make it stop.